Adjusting Identities

Well, I'm back...for a while anyway.

I think I've been mixed up with someone else lately. Two or three people in fact. I got a text message thanking me for inviting a buddy golfing. I don't golf. I got a call for Kim (not my name), I received a collection message for a family whose old name was not on the mail box. My daughter says, do this, or else! She's the parent, I'm four. Suddenly it all makes sense! I can't keep up with everything that I should be doing but cannot possibly do. Three people could not do it. I realize I have inadvertently stolen five people's identities and I have to live all of their lives at once!!! If I could just inherit a fairy godmother's identity, I think I could actually pull this off!

Things seem busier than ever before. Lots of things will sift through the summer undone. it can't be helped.

The walls are starting to come into focus. the flash-flood of laundry is sand bagged and running in the right direction. The employer has been more than patient and the boxes of paperwork are caught up (with help) and labeled and waiting to be delivered on time. The stale, 'mom's gone' smell is slowly drifting out of the windows.

I am feeling overwhelmed and grateful. We got the car unstuck in under an hour when we were going to go on a picnic. We picked a new spot. We ate our dinner in the nicest place: green grass, flowers, birds, cool. And best, we only had to walk across the lawn to get home! The teens nod and smile when I say, "Please" (This is nice, but I'm not sure if it's normal.) They do chores, help willingly, wash their own clothes, play with little kids and agree to go on walks with me. I even caught one listening to soft music this week. (Is this the fairy god mother kicking in?) I realise that I am glad to be alive. I hope I never outgrow the sense of wonder and awe I have of wearing skin and standing on this planet. I realize I must drive people crazy with my silly joking and teasing, my adolescent ear rings and music, dancing or cartwheels or my constant, "Look!" I enjoy the company of young people, but feel shy , wondering if they think I'm weird for being there? I remembered the retired teacher I met on the train coming home from Iowa. "are you always this animated? I mean, glad to be alive?" He asked. "Well, I guess so, most of the time." I had to apologize later for making him insane with my "Oh, David, look at that! And, "Look over there! Isn't it beautiful? Did you see that?" He kindly excused me saying he felt more anticipation and eagerness with us there.

If the hard things seem harder, the good things breathe more of heaven. So I will celebrate the good things. Summer thumbnail moons and the wide orange smear of tonight's sunset accenting the orange twinkle of evening city lights and the purple-blue lake complimenting the mountains in silhouette. People have said encouraging things to me this week. The summer is more pleasant, greener and cooler that any I remember. ( I think I smuggled some weather back from Iowa)I look longingly at the green mountains and wonder if this year I will hike. It could happen. My eight year old has learned to swim. Another teen might have a job. The three littlest are bathed and big brother, home for the weekend from his job, read to them and tucked them, three in a row in his bed for now. He'll move them when they're a sleep, so as not to spoil the adventure. So I will sit here and listen to Josh Groban and blog.

My first bright grandson is seven years old today! Seven! When it first happened, I remember it took a long time to get used to the new identity, the title, I mean, not the feeling. The feeling was as natural as a heartbeat. It was new. What ever I had been before I was more. Holding the fuzzy, sleepy little head--waiting for a glimpse of blue eyes; laughing at hungry slurping, and watching him curl up like a sweet pea in its' shell. Rocking, the three of us, my little Grace and Roman and me. It was better than warm cookies and a summer meadow and Vivaldi. If he's seven, that makes me a seven year old grandmother. It's definitely time to celebrate!!